How Google Reader Has Ruined My Life

I have this ridiculous need to know everything.

Well, not necessarily know everything, but at least have the opportunity to know everything.

Also, by everything, I mean news about pop-culture, gadgets, and sports. And lolcats. Don't forget the lolcats.

Once upon a time, I used my bookmarks toolbar. I had a couple blogs and other assorted regularly updated sites up there, and when I wasn't doing anything else (read: "all day") I'd click on one, read until something else grabbed my attention, then move on.

This was a pretty peaceful existence. I got my fill of the internet, and still had time in my life for my other interests, i.e. playing Monopoly on my computer, drinking excessively, and occasionally paying attention to Husband when he talks. Until one day everything changed. And it's all Perez Hilton's fault.

There I was one day, contently browsing Perez (don't judge me, you know you read it too) (besides, I also read smart things like mental_floss, so there), when I saw a post about Lindsay Lohan. I can't remember what exactly it was about, but I'm pretty sure it was from the "So is she a lesbian or what?" times in her life. Problem was, the post referenced about a thousand different things about her that I had never heard. I have always had a fascination with her boobs, so I was really upset that all this news about her had passed undetected by me.

And who knows what else I might've missed? What if Gizmodo posted something awesome like a full bar in a suitcase and I didn't know about it? Or there were new ads listed on the Best of Craigslist and I hadn't read them? And the lolcats! There might me thousands of lolcats I hadn't seen!

So I started using Google Reader. And then things got Out. Of. Hand.

I don't know how many subscriptions other people have in their RSS reader, or how many posts a day said subscriptions amount to, but I have to be on the higher end of the spectrum. I know this because getting through every new item that finds its way on my reading list takes a good portion of my day.

I'm talking hours upon hours reading things. And I don't even read the entirety of at least a quarter of the posts! If it doesn't really seem interesting, I just hit next and move on to the next one. Even so, the majority of my day is spent sifting through items. Not, you know, doing things that people with lives do.

Other people can't possibly have feeds with this much in them. Not necessarily because I believe most other people have lives, although I'm sure some do. Mostly, it's because other people have things like jobs. Or kids. Or bother to pick up the mound of paper plates from their coffee table and put them in the garbage.

None of those things are true about me, and I still have trouble finding time to read all the posts that show up. I even bring my iPhone outside with me whenever I have a cigarette so that I can keep reading. I almost had a panic attack after Husband and I came back from vacation and my computer delightfully told me it was showing me the 1,000+ new items that had cropped up in my absence.

I know what you're thinking: Just don't read them, you crazy person.

But I have to. Because what if The Drunken Moogle posts a drink based on Pokemon and I don't see it?

So now my life has become entirely about my Google Reader feed, and I no longer get to enjoy the simple pleasures in life, like Gilmore Girls reruns on ABC Family and coloring in my gigantic Winnie the Pooh coloring book.

Google Reader has ruined EVERYTHING.