wasting words

I am 100% positive that I have adult ADHD.

I've been reading up on it here and there, and I have every symptom. All of them.

This is a good thing because it explains a lot about my life. Why, despite having the IQ of a genius (not to pat myself on the back, or anything), I've always been a terrible student. Even in elementary school, I wasn't completing homework assignments. I got decent grades and was able to get into college, but mostly because teachers always "saw my potential" and I managed to stay in the Honors program at my high school despite my mediocre grades. I did well on most tests and whatnot, but every assignment that I ever did was turned in late, if at all.

Then I got to college, and apparently it mattered a lot more that I go to class and do homework. I can't soak up the information that's taught in order to regurgitate it later on the exam if I'm not there. And homework seemed to count a lot. So my college career was short lived.

But that was okay, because all I've ever wanted to do with my life is write, and I don't know how much a degree would help with that goal. Problem is, I've never finished anything that I've started. Not because I didn't believe that what I was writing was good, and not because I don't have the time for it.

It's because something else would come along and capture my interest. Always. I'd be about 10,000 words into whatever I was working on when a new video game i bought. So the novel would fly straight out of my mind make room for Final Fantasy X. Which I never finished because a week after I bought it, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows came out. Which I did finish, but only because I refused sleep until I was done, and also because Harry Potter is my soul mate.

Eventually, I became complacent with the fact that I'll never finish anything, EVER, and embraced it. Except that Husband does not embrace the fact that I can't seem to get my shit together long enough to clean the living room or write the rent check. (Note: Husband is totally not the You're the woman, it's your job to clean and cook type. He works thirteen hour days, and I sit at home on my ass, and spend the money he makes on various things I don't need. It should be the least I can do to meet him half way and have some responsibility in this relationship.)

Seriously, though, this is my living room:

The mess is out of hand. But it never crosses my mind to clean it. Or if it does, I'm immediately distracted by something shiny and I begin doing something else. It's ridiculous. Another example: when I really wanted to go visit my family when he had has block leave, but never seemed to get around to buying the plane tickets. Our cell phone service gets shut off every other month because I can never remember to pay the bill.

For a long time, I just considered myself an unmotivated person. That never really seemed quite right with me, though, since it's not like I don't have ambitions: I'd really, really, really like to write for a living. And I don't want the electricity to get shut off in my apartment.

I shared this all with my mother last time I was home, after about a bottle and a half of wine. A week or so later, she e-mailed me an article on ADHD in adults. I totally have it.

It's really hindering my ability to, you know, be a functioning member of society. Problem is, getting help is really hard for someone who is easily distracted and forgetful. How is a person supposed to remember to make a doctor's appointment she needs because she's forgetful? It's not easy.

I blame my mother for not noticing this problem in my youth, when she could make the appointment for me.

I also blame the US Army, because Tricare online is down right now, and I won't remember to make the appointment later.


PS: In case you don't believe that I have ADD, I'd like to let you know that it took me two days to write this post, because I kept getting distracted by the TV or by Lindsay Lohan. She's in jail right now. I bet her hair is going to look terrible when she gets out, since I don't think hair dye is a luxury you're provided in prison. Her roots are going to be awful.